“Where there is love, there is life” Mahatma Gandhi
Because it’s February and only a few days left until Valentine’s day, I’m talking about love, but also connection, support and belonging. It’s been a tough year for many with reminders of Covid seemingly everywhere. Even if you managed well in the beginning, the ongoingness of Covid has worn many people down. So what can we do to cope better? I believe the answer lies in love and kindness.
Why does love help?
As early humans we survived because we lived and cooperated in tribes. A lone human on the savannah was just lion bait whereas together we thrived.
When we are close to others, we release various chemicals in the brain such as serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin. These help us cope; feel good; do more useful things. Therefore they also encourage more love and cooperation, so it becomes a positive, upward spiral. Just think of a time when you were doing something with people you love. Maybe a family dinner or seeing friends. How does that make you feel?
When instead we perceive our environment as uncertain or dangerous, we all have this primitive part of the brain that takes over (to a greater or lesser degree) to help us survive. Because it’s so old, it has no clue that our modern-day worries are not the same as a tiger preparing to jump at you NOW. This will cause you to feel anxious and fearful and want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
We need to feel safe, accepted and connected to reduce anxieties and instead feel resilient and have hope.
What happens in your body & mind when you are anxious?
Fear and anxiety are normal responses that have helped us survive. Our anxieties about e.g. how our jobs will be affected by the pandemic; if we or someone we love will get ill; what will happen after restrictions lift, will cause the release of cortisol and adrenalin to prepare your body for fight/flight/freeze.
Cortisol and adrenalin change your body so e.g. your heart beats faster, your tummy goes upside down, you start sweating, you get tunnel vision. This helps you fight or run faster.
Your thinking also changes to become more black and white, and negative e.g. “it will always be this bad”. Stress also stops you from thinking both creatively and logically so it’s difficult to come up with new ideas and solutions.
What can you do now to feel calmer, have more hope and energy?
Being with others release serotonin that helps us handle life’s problems. Sorting things through with others gives us perspective. We feel safer in a group. Connecting with other people (and pets!) is essential for ourwell-being and calms the primitive brain so we feel less anxious or depressed.
At the moment we can’t live our lives as we used to just a year ago, but we can reach out and connect maybe with a phone or zoom call, or a text. Maybe even write a proper letter on paper! Just reach out any way you want. It will make you feel better and certainly make the other person feel included and loved.
When we do things that are helpful, we release dopamine. This encourages us to do more of that behaviour. This also calms our worries as we are not victims any longer but active in changing our situation even if it’s just in a small way. We release dopamine already when we anticipate doing this thing that is in some way helpful. Think of things you can do and achieve that will give you small “wins” or a bit of pleasure today. And then do something!
Oxytocin is called the “cuddle hormone” and it promotes feelings of trust and empathy and strengthens bonds between us. It is released especially when we touch each other. This can obviously be very difficult during lock down but there are other ways to release oxytocin too:
You can listen to music and/or sing; think lovingly – about others and yourself; tell someone how much you care about them; do something nice for someone else; cuddle your pet if you’re lucky enough to have one; really listen to someone else; do yoga. Anything that’s prosocial and strengthens bonds will help release oxytocin and make you feel safer and calmer.
Why can it be so difficult to follow these simple steps to feel more hope?
The suggestions I’ve talked about may be simple, and I’m sure you can find many more yourself, but they are not always easy to do. The reason is again the primitive brain. It doesn’t want you to divert your focus to good things in your life; it wants you to stay alert to dangers to help you survive.
That can look like consuming even more news – maybe there’s more scary news you need to protect yourself from? Or it can be hiding away from people as if you’re hiding in a cave to not let any wild animals find you and eat you? Maybe you’re binge watching Netflix to stop thinking about potential dangers?
The point is to realise that this is normal behaviour from the primitive brain and nothing wrong with you. Just start doing things that you know with your thinking mind are good for you even if it feels scary. The primitive brain will soon learn that it’s safe. And then things start to change.
Remember love always overcome fears. What can you do today that would show you that you feel a bit better?
If you want to get some extra help to feel instantly calmer please download my short (12 mins), free relaxation download. Enjoy 😊. Love Lena X
